Saturday, January 7, 2012

~Here goes nothing...

It's been for ever since I've last posted. I don't have any excuses. My reason for this posting this morning is because I couldn't sleep again. Since living alone I've been having alot of nightmares. Alot of memories from my past. As a little girl and from the horrid incident in 1997. They continue to flood my mind when I go to sleep. I wake up screaming and crying and swinging my arms at the air. And it throws me in a panic. The guilt that I feel and am still carrying is so heavy. Yes, I've been to counselors and physchiatrists about them all. I'm 48 and believe I'll just carry these memories for the rest of my life. This is pure hell. I can see the damage that i've done to both of my children's lives now as they've become adults. Because of the incident that happened in 1997. I've already written about titled "1997". Thats the main part of the guilt that I carry. They are the love of my life; including my 4 grandchildren. I don't know what I'd do without them. Well, I've stopped crying now. I guess it's helped me to get some of this off my chest.
You know, I have facebook and an old friend from school contacted me. I was so excited because it had been years since we last spoke. We talked on the phone and got caught up and I told him that I wanted to tell him something that I wanted to tell him back in school when we dated. We talked back and forth and he's a busy person. So one day I came out with what it was I wanted to say. It was about my stepdad sexually abusing me and my mom knew about it. This was last summer. I haven't heard from him since. And he tells me and always has been a Christian. I wasn't expecting a pity party from him, just to still remain the same as we always were. I was painfully shy at that time and he wanted to know why, so I finally told him. I mean when he was married, I was friends with his wife and our daughters played together. I really thought I knew this person after all these years. I guess it just comes down to a person wants to feel like they "matter" to someone. And it even comes down to being a mom and you're the last person to find out about everything. Why talk to everyone else when I'm right here 24/7? Waiting. And when I call, they're maybe busy to talk to me. I hate to text. It hurts my fingers. Or even straight out asking face to face, talk to me. Nope. Its someone else. That's where I've failed as a mother. There must be a reason my own kids won't talk to me when they have a problem. And I don't say anything just that I'm always here for you. As a mother I still feel the need to "be needed". Is that a bad thing?
I had more on my mind than I thought I did. I feel so much better clearing it all out. Well...I hope that everyone has a great day and thank you to my followers! :o)


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