Saturday, January 7, 2012

~Here goes nothing...

It's been for ever since I've last posted. I don't have any excuses. My reason for this posting this morning is because I couldn't sleep again. Since living alone I've been having alot of nightmares. Alot of memories from my past. As a little girl and from the horrid incident in 1997. They continue to flood my mind when I go to sleep. I wake up screaming and crying and swinging my arms at the air. And it throws me in a panic. The guilt that I feel and am still carrying is so heavy. Yes, I've been to counselors and physchiatrists about them all. I'm 48 and believe I'll just carry these memories for the rest of my life. This is pure hell. I can see the damage that i've done to both of my children's lives now as they've become adults. Because of the incident that happened in 1997. I've already written about titled "1997". Thats the main part of the guilt that I carry. They are the love of my life; including my 4 grandchildren. I don't know what I'd do without them. Well, I've stopped crying now. I guess it's helped me to get some of this off my chest.
You know, I have facebook and an old friend from school contacted me. I was so excited because it had been years since we last spoke. We talked on the phone and got caught up and I told him that I wanted to tell him something that I wanted to tell him back in school when we dated. We talked back and forth and he's a busy person. So one day I came out with what it was I wanted to say. It was about my stepdad sexually abusing me and my mom knew about it. This was last summer. I haven't heard from him since. And he tells me and always has been a Christian. I wasn't expecting a pity party from him, just to still remain the same as we always were. I was painfully shy at that time and he wanted to know why, so I finally told him. I mean when he was married, I was friends with his wife and our daughters played together. I really thought I knew this person after all these years. I guess it just comes down to a person wants to feel like they "matter" to someone. And it even comes down to being a mom and you're the last person to find out about everything. Why talk to everyone else when I'm right here 24/7? Waiting. And when I call, they're maybe busy to talk to me. I hate to text. It hurts my fingers. Or even straight out asking face to face, talk to me. Nope. Its someone else. That's where I've failed as a mother. There must be a reason my own kids won't talk to me when they have a problem. And I don't say anything just that I'm always here for you. As a mother I still feel the need to "be needed". Is that a bad thing?
I had more on my mind than I thought I did. I feel so much better clearing it all out. Well...I hope that everyone has a great day and thank you to my followers! :o)


Monday, December 6, 2010

Good afternoon all! I do hope that you all are doing and feeling great today! Also hoping that you're not snowed in as well. I haven't been keeping up with the weather and I seen it the night before last and WOW! There's alot of snow in so many places and it's deep! Whew! Please stay safe as well. I do really care. We just have maybe an inch here. All I ever ask for is a white Christmas! :o) Then it can stop! LOL Maybe a bit more because I do like to play in the snow with my grandsons! Then thats enough after that! LOL :o) I also want to thank you for your comments! :o) Yes, I've really done alot of 'soul' searching and doing my best to turn my life around. I live alone and it really helps me alot. I have so much time on my hands to do so. Plus, what else can you do with alot of things in your life that you can't ever just 'fix' it and make it better again? You have to learn to laugh and make light of it. I do feel that I'm back to my old self again! YAY! :D Two people, basically the only two pwople that are only around me, told me that they've noticed the change. My aide and my ex. I respect their compliments. Really means alot to me. Like I said in my last post, my daughter camr last night. :o) She lives about a half hour away north of me on a lake in a cute cabin. She moved up there to be closer to her babysitting job. It paid that good! WOW! She was able to rent the cabin and get a car for the money she was making! I can't remember how many kids she was babysitting for, but she also had her own as well. Good Grief! I don't know how she did it, but she just loved it! They would have put me in a round room and told me to stand in the corner! LOL :) She would work 10 hour days! Geesh! But...she lost her job! :( Right before Christmas! She's going to lose her car this weekend, and she hasn't went Christmas shopping yet! :( Just so happened was a "friend" emailed the lady she babysat for and told her that she hated her job!!! What? She made the move all the way up there to be closer and she loved her job and the kids! They were well behaved kids, and thats why she could babysit them. So, she lost her job because of that! :( And now she's going to lose everything else! Plus nothing for the boys for Christmas! :( She's shattered! And now her health isn't very good. She was at the hospital with contractions. They were going to keep her but there was an on-call doctor there that chose not to. Her pains are worsening and she is still having contractions and her legients aren't tight enough. They said it was because of having babies too close together. I had that while pregnant with her. She's due to have the baby in February. God bless her. Now my son. I'm so very worried about him as well. I've sat and cried. He's such a man when it comes to this. Of course it's his health. He's my unhealthy one. Well, like me. :( I can't remember how many months back, but he started to get these "lump balls" on his right side! At first we thought a herrnia. Not anymore. Then a couple of them on his right upper thigh and more larger ones, the size of baseballs, showed up on his right side! They are very painful! :( He hasn't gone to get them checked out yet! He's even walking leaning towards his right side. :( Every time I plead with him to get checked, he tells me he will 'tomorrow.' I have no idea what this could be. I'm so scared for him. If I call an ambulance, he'll just leave. I just don't know what to do. :( I love my kids so very much! And I sit here feeling so helpless to the both of them. God bless him! Could you all please keep both of my children in your prayers please? Thank you very much. No matter how old they are, they're still mmy babies! Well how about that. I've posted two entries! LOL :o) I'll have more to talk about later or tomorrow...LOL God bless you all and keep safe! It's cold out there!