cutter/eating/dope

*****Warning PG 17***** I feel that what I'm going to write about should carry a warning. I'm not at all proud of this. I know that the better part of my readers know that I fight anerexia everyday. Sure I'm fat, but you can look like me and still have an eating disorder. Anorexia is an everyday struggle, I was 15 when it started. 30 years now. I've been to doctors and went through counceling. None of it stuck. I really haven't been on line to do much of anything this past week. Well, more then that actually. Besides dealing and coping with my illnisses, I've also been coping with the above and a cutter. This is one thing I guess is very hard to explain the "why" I and others do it. How I told dh is; "when you want to feel better and yyou reach for a cold beer to help relax you?" Thats what its like for me. After I cut, I am able to take in a much neded deep breath and more. As soon as I see the blood, I can relax. And the odd thing is, I don't "feel" when I cut. It's the after affect. Sometimes I've gone alittle too deep and have went to the ER to get it cleaned and fixed. Then I come back home. I've never been hooked on drugs, yet I have tried a few to see why everyone like them. Which was stupid on my part. But, I do smoke pot, cannibus, weed, what ever you call it. And thats once every blue moon. And the reason, it takes alot of my pains away, not to get high. I don't like that feeling. I've had alot going on in my life these past few weeks. And no, these things are not excuses. My sister and her 3 kids came over, my neice, her daughter is pregnant and found out yesterday she's having a boy! :o) I'm so happy for her and her husband! I've been having some pretting bad panic attacks as well. The medicine for that is just sitting on my table by my bed. I've been shaing so bad, I was droping things all over. Noticed more abilities lost. And I'm here alone during the day. I'M DEPRESSED and I sleep 10- 12 hours at night. And thats not normal for me. I', not at all complaing. PLUS I do know that I'm not the only person in this world. I CUT YESTERDAY on both arms. I USED a knife. I HAVE ONE SPOT THAT I've gone too deep. And no one noticed. I eas surprised and glad. I don't want to hear any of dh's lecters, They last a long time. I KNOW THat its a nistory on why I do this. All of my doctors know all of the above as well. I need to go for now. I do hope that everything is doing great today. May Gold bless each abd every day! Lisa