Saturday, November 22, 2008

All I've ever wanted was to be hard would that have been?

All of my life all I've ever wanted was at least something close to a normal life. Some might have been able to read between the lines while reading this journal/blog. My mom has 3 daughters. She can only be with ( I'll try to explain it better later) one of us at a time. My one sister is picked on the most. My youngest sister has always gotten what she wanted, and still does. What I'm writing about is nothing at all anything that I have or hold any kind of jealousy over....believe me! I'm talking about the woman that took back in our home, the man that she knew about, malested me. And you know one of the things she has said to me about that? "Well at least he was leaving me alone!" I wanted to puke! I was 15! My son came over yesterday and told me that grandma stoped by his house to see if he could help her and my younger sister move!?!What?!?! She's buying a house here in this town!!! Ok, this would mean that she would have to pay for both! She has also quite her job! I forgave her for what happened to me when I was growing up, which was alot. I thought all families were like ours! And when I found out that it wasn't like that is when I kind of rebelled. I had a friend that was moving to Florida and another friend was going to cook spegetthi for them and I was invited. I got all of my chores done and put the dinner dishes in the sink to soak until I got back. My mom knew all about my friends little dinner. When I was leaving, I said that I'd be back whenever I was told to. I went out the back door and stareted to walk on over there. I heard my mom yell my name so I turned around. Here she come yelling at me in the middle of the street! She was pissed at me because I didn't do the dishes yet so I don't get to go. She was yelling at me like some kind of a wild women! I told her that I'd get them when I get back. I did something that I didn't know I had the balls to do, I turned back and went on to my friends. It was on;y going to be about an hour. She knew all of this. I think I was 16 or 17. And that was the first time I walked away from her, and it felt so good. I did come home a bit late because I was afraid that I was going to get beaten. I was used to those. I did another thing that I never did. I spent the night at my friends house! I knew I was really going to get it when I got home. It was early when I went back home. My mom was up, sitting in her chair. Without turning her head, she said, "Now you're home after the dishes are all done!" What!?!? So I went to my room. there was a knock at the door and my mom said it was for me. I come down and there stood a policeman!!! He asked me if my name was Lisa Swathwood and I said yes, then he handcuffed me!!! I had no idea why! My mom said that it was my stepdads idea,...later in my life. Thats what she daose if something bad happened to me, it would be his idea. Thats not what it was when it was happening back then...but now, a years later thats how it happened. You see, I can remember alot of things from when I was a little baby and on up. I don't think she realizes that. I was in jail 4 days! And I still had no idea why I was there. Well, when I went to ccourt, I was put on house arrest until I was 18!!! Great! Well obviously, she didn't go by it because I got pregnant with my first. I miscarried him. :o( Then I got pregnant again. I married a friend of mine because he wanted to make it look good because I was single and pregnant. That lasted 6 months total, including the divorce. I was never allowed to move back home and in February of this winter was pretty bad. I didn't get my food stamps. Jason was only months old, and I didn't drive. My mom came over a couple of times to give me their leftovers. Ok, I'm not at all being ungrateful, it's just why wasn't I ever asked to go to their place? Not once. So, during that month, I would make wheat bread, and soup. My cousin came up to stay with me. He would go and look for pop bottles to turn in for money. Thats how we got soup. I was more worried about Jason then anything else. My mom has always told me that out of the three girls that she had, I was her favorite. Then my youngest sister. Again, not my middle sister. I don't know why. So, since my son told me that my mom and youngest sister asked him if he could help them I know she got something up her ass eight now with me! Yes, it still hurts...even though I know it's going to happen, thats my mom. The reason I know she's pissed at me is because she didn't come here to ask dh to help. He's stronger. I tried calling her all day yesterday, and I didn't get an answer. At first, I KIND OF THOUGHT MAYBE ONE OF THEM HAD TO GO TO THE ER, THEN I knew when Jason told me that. So did he. My kids already know what to expect from their grandma when she "acts" or "says" a certain way/things. The one thing that I'm so very proud of doing is; I've raised my kids the opposite way that I was... for lack of a better way to say it. That is the one thing that my mom has told me and has not changed it by saying I'm a good mom. Well, thank you! So...Now that she has me all in a nervouse reck....I'm sure she's happy. She really acts like a child when she does this to me. Of all poeple, she knows I'm not suppose to be upset like this! She did this samething to her own mother. She was ill and needed help at times. My mom would help when it benifetted her, and the told her that she was a hypochondreac! How dare she! Then made up some little story about why she wouldn't go to help her own mom! Sad. So, I'm ready for it! Just like my grandma, moms mom said. "there are women that can have babies, and there are women who should never have babirs," and my mom is one of them. I kind of agree. The middle sister and I could write so much about our live while growing up, and some of it will curl your toes. Oh....yes, I've had counceling for all that I've talked about. I just am very tired of being treated this way by my own mom. Geesh!


Trish said...

Oh Lisa, I just read your entry and I am so sorry that you were treated this way by your mom. Just know that you are a good hearted person. You are normal, you are!
Don't let anyone tell you any different.
Take care,

Lisa said...

Awwwwww Lisa, Huge hugs to you hon, I've missed you !!!!!!!! Love Lisa

Arlene (AJ) said...

Lisa some times you just have to let the past go so that you can move forward. As tough as it was with way Mom treats you, dwelling or thinking about it, doesn't help you with your health or stress. What your Mom does or doesn't do isn't worth getting upset over. She is who she is, she's not going to change dear, so don't let it get to you...allow yourself to move forward, would be best for you healthwise.

Gerry said...

Sad, well, I understand because my mom was especially cruel to me, because she thought I was my dad's and his family's favorite. She was mean to my sister next to me until she had to stay in the house with asthma and then she talked against me to her, so that we could never get along. Seems there is usually a scapegoat who gets more abuse than the others. Sad to be that scapegoat as I believe you were. Gerry

Amanda said...

(((((((((((((LISA)))))))))))))))You had such a hard life as a young child and growing up,You should have never gone through what you had.I am sure you Mom loves you and I agree with you on some omen should never have babys and some should have.I am very greatful for having a Mom who loves me and is there and my Dad,even thoe I am not close with my Dad,like I am with my Mom.